Lying Fallow

by Deborah



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fallow
adj

1. (Life Sciences & Allied Applications / Agriculture) (of land) left unseeded after being ploughed and harrowed to regain fertility for a crop

2. (of an idea, state of mind, etc.) undeveloped or inactive, but potentially useful

In farming, when a field has been producing for a long time, the soil gets exhausted and depleted of nutrients, and the yield becomes less rich and plentiful over time.  So periodically, farmers know to let the field rest.  The field is still attended to, perhaps plowed, tilled, fertilized.  But mostly, it just left alone.  To rest.  To replenish.  To recover its fertility.

Letting a field lie fallow is smart agriculture and a necessary part of the cycle of nature's regeneration.

I think that's where I am right now.  I am lying fallow.  I am allowing the soil of my soul, my brain, my heart, to replenish itself.

This is not easy.  Because meanwhile, where I am used to production and usefulness, I am empty.  I feel barren.  I feel unused.

Don't get me wrong.  I am busy.  Moving, raising two young children, setting up and running a household, taking care of an energetic puppy, caring for my husband, being room mom, going to the gym, taking care of the shopping, seeking out friendships and sustaining ones I have, organizing, getting ready for the holidays....my days are filled with all sorts of activity.

But as I have talked about before, I left a part of myself and my identity behind and I am in the process of figuring out who I will become and who I am now.

I am taking some courses online to help me try out some new things, and the writing course in particular is exciting and difficult and fascinating to me.  Perhaps writing will be a part of who I become.

But for right now I am trying to make peace that this is a period for lying fallow.  That I should tend my soil, my basic earth, the place that must be rich and full of nutrients in order to produce a lavish harvest.  I must fill up.

I am used to being judged by my accomplishments and this period of "nothing" is challenging for me.  Do you ever feel that way?  That if you aren't being productive, you aren't valuable?

So that's my lesson for now.  To allow nothing.  To allow replenishment so that I may have future bounty, and to not push my depleted soil/soul to keep producing the same meager, wilting crop.

I am lying fallow.  Not very exciting to watch, I suppose.  But a lot is happening underground.  Take a look at your life, and maybe you will decide to lie next to me in rest for a little while.  We can watch the sky together.