Crazy Satellite

by Deborah


I'm convinced it's pointing straight at Texas
 

Every now and then my dog, who up until that moment has been acting fairly normal, just suddenly goes berserk.  Just becomes a crazed, possessed, demondog who must immediately race around the house at full speed, grabbing wildly at toys and shoes and furniture and children as she zooms by.  She goes so fast that her back end apparently gets going just a tad faster than her front end, so her back is all hunched up, like she just can't quite keep up with all that rear locomotion.  She does this maniacal behavior for about 15 minutes, and no amount of shouting, punishing, pleading, or redirection will dissuade her.  If you put her outside, she just continues this crazed top-speed running in circles around the yard, and adds in some barking to boot, and maybe grabs at low-hanging tree branches as she careens by.

Then, as suddenly as it began, it stops.  Just....over.  No more running, no crazy mischief grabbing, no barking.  Just done.

It is mystifying.

I have a theory, however.  I am pretty sure it is the Crazy Satellite.

See, I think there is a satellite up in space that periodically passes over our house and beams down a signal that says, "Everyone and everything should now go completely apesh*t."

And everyone and everything does.  For a brief period, until the satellite goes out of range, and then the signal fades and everything returns to normal.

Pets seem particularly susceptible to this signal, but children and people and inanimate objects are not immune, either.

Take for example, this 15 minute period from our lives not long ago.  Our day was hopping along swimmingly, and my husband and I decided to take our kids with us to the gym, where they could play in childcare while we worked out.  So we all get bundled up and are heading unsuspectingly out to the car, when all of a sudden, I now see in retrospect, the Crazy Satellite beamed down it's signal.

Within a 15 minute period, between the space of our back door and our car door, here is what happened:

• a dog, fat and collared, trotted up into our driveway, clearly someone's lost pet
• the girls, excited at the appearance of this strange dog, begin running around deliriously, and bang right into each other
• both girls begin crying
• it is a holiday weekend, many people are out of town, so I know we must capture this dog, keep him somewhere safe, and locate his owner
• as my husband is attempting to catch this dog, my cell phone rings, and it is my husband's boss, asking if he can speak with my husband because he has a semi-urgent request
• I strap the crying girls into their carseats, promising ice and bandaids, hand my cell phone to my husband, take the dog from his arms, muscle the stray dog inside, forcing my overexcited dog aside as I do
• chaos with the two dogs, until I finally get them into separate rooms
• I call the number on the dog's collar, trying to hear over the frantic yelps coming from my dog in the next room, and nervously making sure the new dog doesn't pee on anything; sure enough, the owners are out of town

One moment, we are walking to the car, happy and collected.  The next moment, as the Crazy Satellite passes over, we have a stray dog, two crying kids, a phone call, a work priority, and utter chaos.  THAT is the Crazy Satellite.

It all worked out fine.  Within a few minutes, the girls were calm, we had talked to the dog's owner and arranged pickup, the work stuff was sorted out and to be taken care of later, and we were able to be on our way to the gym.

But beware.  It's up there, circling overhead, ready to beam down its evil signal at any moment.  Be ready.  It's coming for you.




Satellitus Crazius